the full list of considered songs (spotify playlist HERE):

My goal is to make a championship tournament bracket consisting of 64 one-hit wonders. Why 64? Because that’s the way that big sports tournaments are constructed — like college basketball’s March Madness.

Making a proper bracket requires getting choosing only 64 one-hit wonders from the full pantheon. How do I plan to do this? I had to rank all songs, and then set up a qualifying Round of 128 songs.

To start, I collected a comprehensive list of 199 one-hit wonders from 1960-2000. I then assembled a team of 17 rankers, ages ranging from 30 to 70. With their help, I whittled the full list down to 128. I describe that process here.

Trust me, there are many lessons learned. Among other things: (1) a song had to be eliminated because the artist is a convicted pedophile (not on my list). (2) The most polarizing song on the whole list is 10cc’s “I’m Not in Love” and (3) My mom loves EMF.

That and more after the presentation of data.

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how did we do the rankings?

I separated the songs in two groups. Group A is all songs between 1960 and 1985. Group B is all songs between 1986-2000. Each team member ranked the one-hit wonders in each group from 1st to last.

I then averaged the all 17 team members’ rankings. If the song ended up in the top 64 in each group, it made the Round of 128. If not, it was cut.

I followed an adversarial process, disqualifying from the tournament songs that team members legitimately disputed. To adjudicate disputes, I followed the official one-hit wonder rules, OUTLINED HERE.

Some songs were eliminated before the rankings, and some after the rankings were completed. That’s why a few of the DQs have Averages Ranks. For example, it was tough, but I had to DQ Simple Minds “Don’t You Forget About Me,” even though its average rank would have made it the 5-seed in Group A. The reason? Simple Minds had too many other popular songs. In the case where I had to drop a ranked song, I would move all the remaining songs up one seed.

If you have questions, email me.

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okay, show me the data

Group = Group A or Group B
Seed = tournament seed based on average rankings
Artist = performer
Song = song title
Year = year of song release
Tournament Status =
1. R128 means in the Round of 128. R128(upheld) means it was disputed but ultimately allowed to stay in the tournament. R128(write in) only happens once, and it’s because I had to DQ Thomas Dolby’s “She Blinded Me With Science.” I replaced it with Rupert Holmes “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” because I forgot to include that on the original list for the rankers, and leaving out that song would be devastating to the tournament.
2. Cut means it did not make it in the top 64 of each group based on average rankings
3. Pre-rank DQ means that the song was eliminated before the rankings, because it is not a one-hit wonder
4. Post-rank DQ means that the song was eliminated after the rankings, based on legitimate disputes from team members.
Avg Rank = the average of 17 different individual rankings
Top 5 = how many people put this song in their top 5
#1 = how many people gave this song a #1 ranking

Group	Seed	Artist	Song	Year	Tournament Status	AvgRank	Top5	#1
A	1	Stealers Wheel	Stuck in the Middle with You	1972	R128	20.125	5	1
A	2	The Kingsmen	Louie Louie	1963	R128	21.25	2	1
A	3	A-ha	Take on Me	1985	R128	22.5625	4	2
A	4	Procol Harum	Whiter Shade of Pale	1967	R128	22.625	4	1
A	5	Booker T and the MGs	Green Onions	1962	R128	25.625	1	0
A	6	Norman Greenbaum	Spirit in the Sky	1969	R128	26.375	3	0
A	7	Sugarhill Gang	Rapper’s Delight	1979	R128	27.3125	4	1
A	8	Soft Cell	Tainted Love	1981	R128	27.5625	0	0
A	9	Dexys Midnight Runners	Come on Eileen	1982	R128	28.3125	4	0
A	10	Surfaris	Wipe Out	1963	R128	28.9375	0	0
A	11	The Troggs	Wild Thing	1966	R128	30.625	1	0
A	12	Vanilla Fudge	You Keep Me Hangin On	1967	R128 (upheld)	30.8125	2	1
A	13	The Knack	My Sharona	1979	R128	31.3125	2	0
A	14	Ram Jam	Black Betty	1977	R128	31.625	1	0
A	15	The Box Tops	The Letter	1967	R128	31.9375	1	1
A	16	King Harvest	Dancin in the Moonlight	1973	R128	33.125	1	0
A	17	Dobie Gray	Drift Away	1973	R128	33.1875	0	0
A	18	? and the Mysterians	96 Tears	1966	R128	33.5	1	1
A	19	Fontella Bass	Rescue Me	1966	R128	33.6875	0	0
A	20	Looking Glass	Brandy	1972	R128	33.9375	1	0
A	21	Free	All Right Now	1970	R128	34.1875	1	0
A	22	Mountain	Mississippi Queen	1970	R128	34.9375	1	0
A	23	Flock of Seagulls	I Ran	1982	R128	35.25	0	0
A	24	Blue Swede	Hooked on a Feeling	1973	R128	36.1875	1	0
A	25	Iron Butterfly	In-a-Godda-da-Vida	1968	R128	36.4375	2	1
A	26	Eddy Grant	Electric Avenue	1983	R128	36.5625	1	0
A	27	Survivor	Eye of the Tiger	1982	R128 (upheld)	37.3125	0	0
A	28	Steam	Na Na Na Na Hey Kiss Him Goodbye	1969	R128	38.125	0	0
A	29	Bruce Channel	Hey Baby	1961	R128	38.75	1	0
A	30	Modern English	I Melt With You	1982	R128	39.9375	0	0
A	31	Til Tuesday	Voices Carry	1984	R128	40.1875	1	0
A	32	Redbone	Come and Get Your Love	1973	R128	40.4375	0	0
A	33	Lipps Inc	Funky Town	1979	R128	40.4375	0	1
A	34	The Tokens	The Lion Sleeps Tonight	1961	R128	41.25	2	0
A	35	Chubby Checker	The Twist	1960	R128	41.75	3	0
A	36	Tommy Tutone	867-5309	1981	R128	43.0625	1	0
A	37	The Buggles	Video Killed the Radio Star	1979	R128	43.125	1	0
A	38	Men Without Hats	Safety Dance	1982	R128	43.1875	1	0
A	39	Nena	99 Luftballoons	1983	R128	43.4375	0	0
A	40	Tom Tom Club	Genius of Love	1981	R128	43.5	1	0
A	41	The Marvelettes	Please Mr. Postman	1961	R128	43.6875	0	0
A	42	Ace	How Long	1974	R128	44.5625	1	1
A	43	Toni Basil	Hey Mickey	1981	R128	45.0625	0	0
A	44	Carl Douglas	Kung Fu Fighting	1974	R128	45.9375	0	0
A	45	Anita Ward	Ring My Bell	1979	R128	46.5	0	0
A	46	Jean Knight	Mr. Big Stuff	1971	R128	46.6875	0	0
A	47	Cheryl Lynn	Got To Be Real	1978	R128	46.6875	0	0
A	48	Player	Baby Come Back	1977	R128	46.9375	0	0
A	49	Naked Eyes	Always Something There to Remind Me	1983	R128	47.375	0	0
A	50	The Archies	Sugar Sugar	1969	R128	47.875	0	0
A	51	Katrina and the Waves	Walking on Sunshine	1985	R128	48	1	0
A	52	After the Fire	Der Kommisar	1982	R128	48.5	0	0
A	53	The Five Stairsteps	O-o-h Child	1970	R128	48.6667	2	1
A	54	Wild Cherry	Play that Funky Music	1976	R128	49	0	0
A	55	Van McCoy	The Hustle	1975	R128	49.4375	1	0
A	56	Ray Parker Jr.	Ghostbusters	1984	R128	49.4375	0	0
A	57	Spandau Ballet	“True”	1983	R128	50.75	0	0
A	58	Rupert Holmes	Escape (Pina Colada Song)	1979	R128 (write in)
A	59	The Weather Girls	It’s Raining Men	1983	R128	52.0625	0	0
A	60	Exile	Kiss You All Over	1978	R128	52.625	1	0
A	61	Bow Wow Wow	I Want Candy	1982	R128	53.125	0	0
A	62	Taco	Puttin on the Ritz	1982	R128	53.5625	1	0
A	63	John Fred and His Playboy Band	Judy in Disguise	1967	R128	53.875	0	0
A	64	Limahl	The Neverending Story	1984	R128	53.875	2	1
A	65	Focus	Hocus Pocus	1970	Cut	54.3125	1	0
A	66	George Baker Selection	Little Green Bag	1970	Cut	55.0625	1	0
A	67	Brownsville Station	Smoking in the Boys Room	1973	Cut	56.0625	0	0
A	68	Mister Mister	Broken Wings	1985	Cut	57.3125	0	0
A	69	Starland Vocal Band	Afternoon Delight	1976	Cut	57.375	0	0
A	70	Bobby Picket	Monster Mash	1962	Cut	58.125	1	0
A	71	Don Ho	Tiny Bubbles	1967	Cut	58.875	0	0
A	72	Vicki Lawrence	…the Lights Went Out in Georgia	1972	Cut	58.875	0	0
A	73	Jonny Lee	Looking for Love	1980	Cut	61.375	0	0
A	74	Pilot	Magic	1974	Cut	61.9375	0	0
A	75	John Waite	Missing You	1984	Cut	62.0625	0	0
A	76	Minnie Ripperton	Lovin You	1974	Cut	63.1875	0	0
A	77	DaBarge	Rhythm of the Night	1985	Cut	63.5	0	0
A	78	The Vapors	Turning Japanese	1980	Cut	63.625	1	0
A	79	Terry Jacks	Seasons in the Sun	1973	Cut	67.8125	0	0
A	80	The Undertones	Teenage Kicks	1978	Cut	70.125	0	0
A	81	Patrick Hernandez	Born to Be Alive	1978	Cut	71.4375	0	0
A	82	Trio	Da Da Da	1981	Cut	71.75	0	0
A	83	Dan Fogelberg	Longer	1979	Cut	74.5	0	0
Group	Seed	Artist	Song	Year	Tournament Status	AvgRank	Top5	#1
B	1	Blind Melon	No Rain	1992	R128	21.375	3	0
B	2	House of Pain	Jump Around	1992	R128	22.5625	3	0
B	3	Dee-Lite	Groove is in the Heart	1990	R128	25.8125	2	0
B	4	Sir Mixalot	Baby Got Back	1992	R128	26.5625	2	1
B	5	The Proclaimers	I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)	1987	R128	26.6875	4	1
B	6	Vanilla Ice	Ice Ice Baby	1989	R128	28.5	3	1
B	7	EMF	Unbelievable	1990	R128	29.125	1	0
B	8	Bel Biv Devoe	Poison	1990	R128	30.0625	1	0
B	9	4 Non Blondes	What’s Up?	1992	R128	30.0625	1	0
B	10	Butthole Surfers	Pepper	1996	R128	30.3125	2	1
B	11	Mazzy Star	Fade Into You	1994	R128	30.5625	3	0
B	12	Biz Markie	Just a Friend	1989	R128 (upheld)	30.6875	3	0
B	13	Young MC	Bust a Move	1992	R128	32	1	0
B	14	Bobby McFerrin	Don’t Worry, Be Happy	1988	R128	32.0625	2	0
B	15	Cutting Crew	I Just Died in Your Arms	1986	R128	32.5625	0	0
B	16	Spacehog	In the Meantime	1995	R128	32.9375	2	2
B	17	New Radicals	You Get What You Give	1998	R128	32.9375	1	0
B	18	Suzanne Vega	Tom’s Diner	1987	R128	33	1	0
B	19	US3	Cantaloop	1993	R128	33.25	2	2
B	20	Europe	Final Countdown	1986	R128	33.6875	0	0
B	21	Blackstreet	No Diggity	1996	R128	34	2	0
B	22	Alannah Myles	Black Velvet	1989	R128	34.375	1	0
B	23	Wilson Philips	Hold On	1990	R128	34.75	0	0
B	24	Jesus Jones	Right Here Right Now	1991	R128	35	1	1
B	25	Divinyls	Touch Myself	1990	R128	35.4375	3	0
B	26	When In Rome	The Promise	1988	R128	35.6875	2	0
B	27	Montell	This is How We Do It	1995	R128	35.6875	2	0
B	28	Timbuk 3	Future So Bright	1986	R128	36.3125	1	0
B	29	The La’s	There She Goes	1988	R128	36.6875	2	0
B	30	Edwyn Collins	A Girl Like You	1994	R128	37.625	1	0
B	31	Sneaker Pimps	6 Underground	1996	R128	37.875	4	0
B	32	Midnight Oil	Beds are Burning	1987	R128	38.375	0	0
B	33	Right Said Fred	I’m Too Sexy	1991	R128	39.875	2	0
B	34	Tom Cochrane	Life is a Highway	1991	R128	40.25	2	0
B	35	Semisonic	Closing Time	1998	R128	40.5	0	0
B	36	The Cardigans	Lovefool	1996	R128	40.875	2	1
B	37	Mr Big	To Be With You	1991	R128	40.9375	0	0
B	38	Haddaway	What is Love	1993	R128	41.25	0	0
B	39	Harvey Danger	Flagpole Sitta	1997	R128	41.25	1	0
B	40	Dishwalla	Counting Blue Cars	1995	R128	41.4375	0	0
B	41	Marcy Playground	Sex and Candy	1997	R128	41.625	0	0
B	42	Primitive Radio Gods	Standing Outside a Phonebooth…	1996	R128	41.8125	2	0
B	43	DJ Kool	Let Me Clear My Throat	1996	R128	42.3125	0	0
B	44	Technotronic	Pump Up the Jam	1989	R128	42.375	0	0
B	45	Deep Blue Something	Breakfast at Tiffany’s	1993	R128	42.875	1	1
B	46	Tag Team	Whoomp There It Is	1993	R128	43.375	0	0
B	47	Lisa Loeb	Stay	1994	R128	44.0625	0	0
B	48	Snow	Informer	1992	R128	44.875	0	0
B	49	LEN	Steal My Sunshine	1999	R128	45.1875	3	0
B	50	Georgia Satellites	Keep Your Hands to Yourself	1986	R128	45.625	1	0
B	51	James	Laid	1993	R128	46.3125	1	1
B	52	M/A/R/R/S	Pump Up The Volume	1987	R128	46.4375	0	0
B	53	Macy Gray	I Try	1999	R128	46.5	0	0
B	54	J.J. Fad	Supersonic	1988	R128	46.5625	0	0
B	55	Mark Morrison	Return of the Mack	1996	R128	46.8125	2	1
B	56	Real Life	Send Me an Angel	1989	R128	47.5625	0	0
B	57	White Town	Your Woman	1997	R128	47.875	0	0
B	58	Chumbawamba	Tubthumping	1997	R128	48.125	1	0
B	59	Wreck-X-N-Effect	Rump Shaker	1992	R128	48.5	0	0
B	60	Skee-Lo	I Wish	1995	R128	48.625	0	0
B	61	Los del Rio	Macarena	1993	R128	48.75	2	1
B	62	Crash Test Dummies	Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm	1993	R128	49.1875	0	0
B	63	OMC	How Bizarre	1996	R128	50.1875	0	0
B	64	Concrete Blonde	Joey	1990	R128	50.4375	0	0
B	65	Color Me Badd	I Wanna Sex You Up	1991	Cut	51.1875	0	0
B	66	Go West	King of Wishful Thinking	1990	Cut	51.25	0	0
B	67	Was (Not Was)	Walk the Dinosaur	1988	Cut	51.4375	0	0
B	68	Escape Club	Wild Wild West	1988	Cut	51.625	0	0
B	69	69 Boyz	Tootsee Roll	1994	Cut	52.5625	0	0
B	70	Billy Ray Cyrus	Achy Breaky Heart	1992	Cut	52.8125	1	0
B	71	Cherry Popping Daddies	Zoot Suit Riot	1997	Cut	53.6875	0	0
B	72	Onyx	Slam	1993	Cut	56.1875	0	0
B	73	The Flys	Got You Where I Want You	1998	Cut	56.25	1	0
B	74	Gerardo	Rico Suave	1991	Cut	58.8125	0	0
B	75	Wheatus	Teenage Dirtbag	2000	Cut	59.3125	1	0
B	76	The Verve Pipe	The Freshmen	1996	Cut	59.6875	0	0
B	77	Meredith Brooks	Bitch	1997	Cut	60.4375	0	0
B	78	Next	Too Close	1997	Cut	61.6875	0	0
B	79	Hanson	MMMBop	1997	Cut	62.5	0	0
B	80	Musical Youth	Pass the Dutchie	1982	Cut	62.75	0	0
B	81	Tal Bachmann	She’s So High	1999	Cut	63.1875	0	0
B	82	Rednex	Cotton Eye Joe	1994	Cut	66.875	1	1
B	83	Dan Baird	I Love You Period	1992	Cut	68.25	0	0
B	84	Sisqo	Thong Song	1999	Cut	74.875	0	0
B	85	Papa Roach	Last Resort	2000	Cut	77.3125	0	0
B	86	Vitamin-C	Graduation Song	1999	Cut	81.5625	0	0
Disqualified
A	5	Simple Minds	Don’t You (Forget About Me)	1985	Post-Rank DQ	23.8125	4	0
A	46	Cory Hart	Sunglasses at Night	1983	Post-Rank DQ	46	0	0
A	47	The Human League	Don’t You Want Me	1981	Post-Rank DQ	46.3125	0	0
A	58	Thomas Dolby	Blinded Me With Science	1982	Post-Rank DQ	51.3125	0	0
A	60	Gary Glitter (pedo)	Rock n Roll Part II	1974	Post-Rank DQ	50.625	1	0
A	61	Loverboy	Working for the Weekend	1981	Post-Rank DQ	52.6875	0	0
A	62	10cc	I’m not in Love	1975	Post-Rank DQ	53	4	1
B	30	Jamiroquai	Virtual Insanity	1996	Post-Rank DQ	36.9375	3	1
N/a		Ernie K-Doe	Mother in Law	1961	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Stan Getz	Girl from Ipanema	1964	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs	Wooly Bully	1965	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Dr. Hook	The Cover of the Rolling Stone	1972	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Golden Earring	Radar Love	1973	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Rick Derringer	Rock and Roll Hoochie Coo	1973	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Nazareth	Love Hurts	1974	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Gary Wright	Dream Weaver	1975	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Bellamy Bros	Let the Love Flow	1976	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		England Dan and John Ford Coley	I’d Really Love to See You Tonight	1976	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Gary Numan	Cars	1979	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Devo	Whip It	1980	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Men At Work	Land Down Under	1981	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Madness	Our House	1982	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Toto	Africa	1982	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Frankie Goes to Hollywood	Relax	1983	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Axel F	Harold Faltemeyer	1984	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Falco	Rock Me Amadeus	1985	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Belinda Carlisle	Heaven is a Place on Earth	1987	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Edie Brickel & The New Bohemians	What I am	1988	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		Sixpence None the Richer	Kiss Me	1997	Pre-Rank DQ
N/a		The Verve	Bittersweet Symphony	1997	Pre-Rank DQ

crunching the numbers

What kind of social scientist would I be if I didn’t do some analysis of the data? Probably a more likable one. But c’mon, this is fun stuff.

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the rankings

First off, I should say that the rankings went better than you could possibly have imagined. Basically, I asked my music-loving friends, work colleagues, and family (Mom, Dad, and Uncle Roxy) to go through this list of 198 songs and rank them. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to rank that much material, but it’s hard as shit.

I sent a Google spreadsheet to my team on April 3, and all of them were finished ranking by April 12. Outside of some fully-expected cut and paste fails, everything went pretty swell.

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some facts

The results are very interesting, as you might imagine. Let’s start with some fun facts.

First, my Dad loves Davinyl’s “I Touch Myself.” Rated it #2 in Group B. And I’m sure it’s totally because he just really likes the song. It has nothing to do with anything else at all.

Second, my mom has Primitive Radio Gods, EMF, and Mazzy Star in her Group B Top 5. Why then, I ask, did we waste all that time in 1990s listening to country music in the brick-red Chevy Cavalier station wagon? If you were ready to party to EMF, why was I forced to memorize Garth Brooks songs? Unbelievable.

Third, the only two actual musicians on the ranking team (Ginny and Paul) placed Spacehog in the #1 spot. I just want all of you to know that. Spacehog is good. This is a reference to my write-up on The Rules page. If you had read the rules, you would know what I’m talking about.

Fourth, the oldest ranker put Los del Rio’s “Macarena” in the one spot, and the youngest gave The Cardigans “Lovefool” the top notch. Age is weird.

Fifth, no one understands Wheatus except for me and one other person. What the hell’s wrong with you? Look, at first, she doesn’t know who he is, and then she invites him to an Iron Maiden show. And he’s JUST A TEEEEN-AGE DIIIIRT–BAG BABY!

Finally, the most reviled tune on the list is Vitamin-C’s “Graduation Song.” It had an average of #80. I’ll just leave that there.

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variations

There’s a second issue. All the members of my team share me in common, which could mean selection bias. What if we all have similar taste in music, and thus produce a weird-ass set of rankings?

That may be, but is a group of only 17 enough to come up with good rankings? No. But it’s a big enough group to trim a sample of 175 songs down to 128. The purpose of the initial rankings was simply to separate the Wheatus from the chaff–or for our purposes, to establish the extreme unpopularity of Starland Vocal Band and Papa Roach.

That’s certainly possible, but I don’t think it happened. First off, there is a great deal of variation in the rankings, even among tight-knit pairs of people. My mom and dad’s rankings were only medium correlated, statistically speaking. They disagreed on a lot. To cherry pick an example, my dad ranked The Archies’ “Louie Louie” #9, and my mom ranked it #45. Not even close. Incidentally, I noticed another married couple, Dave and Rachel M., did something very similar with the same song. Dave ranked it #1; Rachel ranked it #49. Is there something about the Archies that breaks up marriages? More research is needed.

Second, there is a good spread of songs in people’s #1s and top 5s. Only three wonders received more than one #1 ranking: A-ha’s “Take on Me,” Spacehog’s “In the Meantime,” and US3’s “Cantaloop.”

Only nine bands received four or more top-5 rankings: 10cc, A-ha, Dexys Midnight Runners, Procol Harum, Proclaimers, Simple Minds, Sneaker Pimps, Stealers Wheel, and Sugarhill Gang. Apparently, bands that start with “P” and “S” dominate people’s ears.

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the top dogs

I can say, honestly, that I had no idea which songs would end up with in the top spot of each bracket. What tunes are the consensus choices for all ages and genders?

It turns out that Group A’s top seed is Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle With You,” and Group B’s top seed is Blind Melon’s “No Rain.” Both are great tunes, both with lead singers who had promising careers. Gerry Rafferty would go onto solo work, and Shannon Hoon would tragically pass away of a drug overdose.

Stealers Wheel were in five top 5s, and they received one #1 ranking. Blind Melon were in only 3 top 5s, and received no #1 rankings. But they were in six top 10s.

“Stuck” is a catchy stoner number about a cocktail party, intentionally sung in the vocal stylings of Bob Dylan. The band apparently were stunned that it became a massive hit, just as I’m stunned its Group A’s #1.

“No Rain” is a song written for creative loners, and it’s a celebration of self with a tinge of melancholy. The singer watches puddles gather rain, and we all call him insane. I’m not surprised this is Group B’s #1. This song was intensely popular.

On their surface, outside of great melodies, these songs have almost nothing in common. So why are they the top dogs? Check out a couple of facts. “No Rain” came out in 1992, and it was a hit on MTV. It is one of the most popular videos of all time, and inspired a whole Halloween costume. You’ve seen it: daydreaming girl with glasses in bee outfit. Something else happened in 1992. The breakout Tarantino film Reservoir Dogs was released, and its soundtrack featured none other than Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck In the Middle With you.” At the same time people were going to the movies and hearing this song anew, they were watching MTV and hearing “No Rain.”

Yes, that means both of our top dogs were getting action in 1992. Why does that matter? I have a theory that’s about generations. In 1992, our youngest rankers were alive and watching MTV, and our oldest rankers were still young enough to listen to new things. The early 1990s was a sweet spot. Further support for this theory: 8 of the top 10 songs in Group B were from the years 1989-1992.

We’ll see how this holds up when the number of rankers increases markedly.

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the most polarizing songs, aka love ’em or hate ’em

Which songs are the most polarizing? Some songs everyone agrees are good, like House of Pain’s “Jump Around.” And other songs are universally reviled, like Dan Fogelberg’s “Longer.” But here I am more interested in those songs that some people love, and others hate.

One way of studying this is to analyze the standard deviation of the rankings. Basically, we can see which songs’ rankings are the farthest away from the average–this means some people ranked the song very high, and others very low. Here are the top five winners of the Love ‘Em or Hate ‘Em Award:

1. 10cc “I’m Not in Love”— I’m not sure why this is the most divisive song. On the one hand, people LOVE this song (confession: I’m one of them). It got as many top-five votes as A-ha’s “Take on Me,” and it even got a #1 ranking. But on the other hand, an equal number of people LOATHE this song. It made six bottom-ten lists. That means six rankers said it was one of their least favorite songs. This is amazing spread, making 10cc more polarizing than the Trump Administration. My guess is that it’s the vocal aesthetic. This is an airy, ethereal vocal track set to an ambient and slow-pulsing groove. You either listen and enjoy the Zen vibe, or you shit on the song for being saccharine and lame. Perhaps unluckily for the tournament, someone pointed out post-rankings that 10cc had another hit called “Dreadlock Holiday.” And apparently a lot of non-me people still listen to it. Begrudingly, I had to DQ.

2. The Five Stairsteps “O-o-h Child” — The song was in five top 20s, and five bottom 10s. It also got one #1. I suspect that what drives its divisiveness is its unabashed positivity. Coffee-drinking critical types don’t really like things that are happy, while the bubble-gum-chewing hopeful types do. Except this is what’s weird: the old rankers, who are most of the latter type of person, ranked this song very low. And the critical types (Ginny and Jeremy) ranked it very high. So what just happened here is that I stated a theoretical expectation and then immediately disconfirmed it with evidence. So who the hell knows?

3. Los del Rio “Macarena” — This smash dance hit got four top 10s, and four bottom 10s. It might be one of the most well-known songs of all time. But I can speak from personal experience on this one: some people find this song revolting, morally reprehensible even. If you’ve never been a 40-something wine-drunk on a cruise, odds are you haven’t enjoyed doing the macarena.

4. Chubby Checker “The Twist” — The twist, a song permanently etched into our cultural subconscious, got three rankings of #2, and then three bottom 5s. Outside of that, everything I said about the Macarena cross-applies. Except you can modify it to “40-something whiskey-drunk at a tiki bar.”

5. Jamiroquai “Virtual Insanity” — No idea. Maybe people find the hat unacceptable. But it also doesn’t matter because I had to DQ ole Jamiroquai because of a song called “Cosmic Girl.”

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the disqualified

How did I determine which contenders would be disqualified?

First, I should say that there is no clear timeline for DQs. Some happened before the initial rankings based on my general music knowledge, and tips from early collaborators. Other DQs have happened after the rankings, as more information comes to light. And I will probably DQ even more after the Round of 128. The rules are the rules. They know no bounds.

Second, outside of Belinda Carlisle, every performer was DQed because they had another song that was good enough for people to listen to at a high rate. If you have any questions, just check Spotify. For example, you might think that Harold Faltemeyer’s “Axel F” (Beverly Hills Cop Soundtrack) is a slam dunk, but that dude also wrote the Top Gun Soundtrack. So nah.

Third and finally, Gary Glitter. This guy wrote a jock jam that you’ve heard in every stadium during every professional sporting event. Duh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-NUUUH NUH, HEY! Duh-nuh nuh-nuh. Well, that guy is a full-blown child pornographer and sex abuser. He was famous in Britain, and now he’s in prison. So I decided he doesn’t get to be in our competition. Not sorry.

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